Mothering is not just for motherhood.
Allomothering Virtues are what guide the Allomothering Community. These virtues are not exclusive to motherhood because when the act of mothering happens outside of children, the children are all the better for it. When women mother themselves they are stronger, wiser, and more fulfilled. This only means they are more authentic in how they show up to mother (nurture) any of their relationships. These virtues are experienced and implemented in the Allomothering Community and into your life through How to Allo(w) Training. If you are aligned with these virtues, or want to learn how to be, Sign-Up below.
Aim to Show Up. Comfortable Does Not Equal Happiness.
Showing up is the act of accepting what's available for your health and deep fulfillment. This isn't just about showing up to Allomother events. Life happens and we know you're here in spirit when you can't make it physically. This is about Showing Up to what you have asked for or know you need. Not showing up can come from wanting to be comfortable. Yet being comfortable actually requires a lot of resistance. Being comfortable can require we ignore or avoid opportunities to grow because we like our incubation, being in a womb, where growth is required only if it happens on its own. Showing up is the first step of using intention, acting on our yes to let the process for growth occur. But trying to be comfortable outside of a womb can be hard. So much of life has us interact with people and experiences that rub against underdeveloped areas in our lives (social, emotional, physical, intellectual, financial, and spiritual). That’s why being comfortable actually requires a lot of work and I would argue much more work than Showing Up. Many times just Showing Up then causes the rest of the work to happen on its own. It’s like the growth we have in the womb takes place in life outside of the womb when we use our will to say I’m here for growth. I accept it. I allow it. Happiness can be what you yield from choosing to be uncomfortable, to grow.
Virtue # 2
Qualified=Here. Make Your Footprint.
Allomothers who may feel they are not capable or experienced enough to support a mother get to understand because they are here in the mother’s life means they are necessary/qualified. Once we practice Showing Up, then we practice understanding that being Here means having the power to make an impact. Impact=Your FootPrint. Everyone’s footprint is unique and irreplaceable! Allos have a Footprint in mom's life. Moms have a Footprint in the Allos life. The answers around how to make that impact become obvious after we, both Allo and mom, assume the attitude that because we are Here we are Qualified. If we were not meant to be Here then the circumstances of life would not have happened such that we are Here. The openings for an Allo to make a Footprint are the efforts to support mom’s quality of life, which results in mom sourcing her powers to self-determine her quality of life more and more--this is the greater space she gains. Mom's make their Footprint by sharing with Allos The Work of Mothering and their journey loving self while nurturing others. We avoid missing out on being impacted and making our impact by being Here.
Virtue # 4
Unbunch Yourself. Assume Opportunity.
When elephants sense a threat to their calves they surround them with bodies facing outward towards the perceived threat and tighten to form a protective circle. This is called bunching. In Allomothering, bunching is when a mom tightens her body, mind, or spirit towards the way support is showing up. For an Allomother, bunching is resistance, a sense of lack or fear over showing up/supporting. Bunching can look like any tightening we resort to in the face of what we think is threatening us. We circle ourselves with our signature defense mechanisms--silent treatment, passive aggression, avoidance, etc. However, many times what we perceive as a threat is an opportunity to increase one if not several quality of life areas. Deep down, what we may be guarding is wounded children in us who have not healed from experiences or beliefs from our childhood. The support you encounter in Allomothering WILL rub up against unhealed children in you or simply challenges you are facing now that get projected onto the Allomother-Mother relationship. Count on it. Then, Assume Opportunity is here. See the sense of threat as a distraction to gaining your opportunity for growth. It is a rabbit hole, a vortex. Release any tension in your body and spirit to receive what may be a surprising offer to your quality of life if you allow the Alloing (receiving or giving support) to occur. Then go to Virtue #5.
See into the Mirror. What is true for you/me is true for me/you.
Pointing out a strength or a weakness in another person is many times noticing a strength or weakness in ourselves. Many times, we are able to identify a quality or challenge in someone else because it is familiar to us, something we may not realize we are experts at identifying because it lives so closely in us. This can be a hard virtue to practice. One way that makes it easier is whenever you feel judgmental or complimenting towards someone, and you hear yourself label that person, tell yourself that is who you are/may be as well. Example: “She seems insecure...I may be/am insecure.” “She is a genius...I am/may be a genius.” Then, if you don't like the reflection you are seeing, change the "I am." Change it to who you would rather be. Work on it as a new belief so you go to them seeing (yourself/them) differently.
We Tell Secrets--Especially the Good Ones.
Sometimes telling the good secrets needs just as much forcing out as do the uncomfortable ones. Good secrets are the choices we have made for ourselves or our families that have improved our well-being and increased the family's quality of life.
In the Allomothering community, we ask that what's working for you and your family become information shared. It may be simple fodder for some mothers/Allos. Yet it could become a new path an Allo or mother tries not having known one existed in this way. This decreases the sense of competition that can unintentionally build in mothering spaces.
We honor our genius mothering choices for others (children, friends, our own mothers, etc.) and our genius mothering of ourselves. This principle also feeds into "Get-Give" because we open our secrets in order for others to learn healthy mothering practices they can take with them and apply to their own lives.
Virtue # 3.
This is a space for those who are compelled to give as they receive. It is for those who believe that giving feels like gaining. Everyone's needs are taken care of when individuals in one space share this belief.
This is a space for women who desire community to restore, unpack, be honest, cleanse, get freer and be mothered by a group.
If you feel you do not gain by giving, you might even end up taking advantage of this space and use it to leverage other needs you have outside of community. For example, you may have an event outside of Allomothering that you want this community to join to add to the number of attendees versus your first intention being to add to our quality of life. Or you may have a product to sell and want to use this community as a means of profit rather than looking to support sustaining what this space offers everyone including you.
Having the virtue of when I get I give and when I give I get sustains the vision of Allomothering.
Virtue # 5
Come Forward Gently.
When elephants need to address a perceived threat, at first they study it and then move toward it slowly. They even move toward it maintaining their graceful walk. In this community, when there is tension caused either by a mom or an Allo or the both of you, pause and look at the scene before reacting. Scan where everyone is positioned. See what their perspective might be according to where they are in your life and where they are in their life in terms of this circumstance. Once you get a sense of perspective or at the very least once you have Unbunched Yourself, move toward the tension gently. Don’t fall into studying it for too long that you never address the problem and it circles in the space and causes a chasm between you two. Coming forward gently is the cure to this kind of passive aggression. Come forward, but do so with grace, which means to move with one of these empathetic assumptions:
They have a personal challenge going on that is getting projected onto this moment with you, though unrelated to you--It’s not about you!
They mean well but do not know how to go about it in a more effective way and may not even be aware of this.
You have a personal challenge going on that is getting projected onto this moment with them, though unrelated to them--It’s (an opportunity) about you!
All the above is happening and NONE OF IT IS INTENDING TO HURT YOU.
Do not gossip. Talk to her not about her.
This virtue is akin to "Come Forward Gently" and "Get-Give."
We want to hold space for each other, which means having a vision of one another's worth and potential despite our challenges. In holding space, we do it best in how we hold up the other person when they are not in our presence. How we speak of them when they are not around reflects how much vision we have of that person and how much room we give them to recognize, grow and celebrate who they are.
More importantly, how we speak of others can reflect how much vision or space we hold for ourselves.
Talking to her and not about her means "Coming Forward Gently" to the person with celebration or constructive feedback. We do this versus having feedback or celebration about her given to everyone else except her. We do this to lift each other up knowing that if I fall/shine you fall/shine and we rise and grow together.